Before all of the chaos of finding out I had the BRCA2 mutation, I was able to balance all of the different, little sections of my brain pretty well. However, when you are hit with heavy news that kind of takes a toll on your mental state.
I find myself thinking about the doom and gloom at times. It definitely feels like darkness is engulfing you and there’s no way out.
All the possibilities on what to do next start swimming my head. The first thing was getting a double mastectomy. The idea of one day getting rid of my natural chest terrifies me because maybe they’ll look and feel different from what I’m used to now.
I think of what I can do to make my new reconstructed boobs feel familiar or up to my standards. I could get nipples tattooed on them but… I don’t think that’s for me
After much contemplation, I have decided that maybe getting full blown-out mastectomy tattoo would be more suitable for my personality and stylistic taste.
I also have a tendency to think that I’m broken, not just mutated; something that can’t be fixed or loved.
And will I have to freeze my eggs and remove my ovaries when I’m 26 years old?
And why can’t this mutation just stop at me?
And why do I feel so alone?
And will I die young? (Bachelor’s Grove, Chicago, IL)
But, you know what? I need to stop thinking about these things and suppress the negativity as much as possible. Sure, they’ll pop up once in a while but it can’t be all I think about. I need to pay attention to the other beautiful sections of my brain that I know can keep my mind off of the mutation.
Such as style…..
Friends…. (As a side note, I just wanted to add that I’m sad to say that I don’t have a picture of me and my best friend, Teresa, who is definitely one of my biggest supporters. Sorry, T! Love you!)
So now the thoughts about the BRCA2 mutation can be seen as more as a nuisance in my life or an “inner demon.” They are just things that I have shove in the back of my brain and worry about when it’s necessary.